Hungry for a late afternoon snack, I did my usual perusal of the insides of the refrigerator. There was nothing I really wanted, but I grabbed the small covered glass bowl of cooked apples, cranberries and oatmeal anyway. For health reasons, I had been avoiding sugars and fruit sugars for nearly 2 months. Did I truly want to interrupt my progress by eating something sweetish that I really didn’t think was tasty?
Curious to see if I would energetically benefit from the semi-forbidden blood sugar burst, I resorted to kinesiology (muscle testing the body to find what strengthens or weakens it). Expecting an emphatic NO, I was more than surprised when the answer was affirmative. Really????
With almost 50 years of experience using this kind of testing, I knew the answer “yes” did not always mean “good healthy wise choice”. Feeling out of sync with that “yes” response, I asked if my food choice was “bad” for me, and the answer was again, “Yes.”
Instantly becoming Super Sleuth, I went inward and asked why I would test strong to eat something “bad" for me. Using the Thought Karate system, the answer was, “To keep me from loving myself”.
The obvious next question was, “What happens if I love myself?”
This time the answer came from true body language. My left hand went behind my back, snaked up and over my spinal column and slapped just under my right shoulder blade. As that happened, I both heard and felt, “If you love yourself, you’ll get stabbed in the back.”
Totally unexpected response!
So loving the self was a danger space, and not loving the self was a safe space.
No wonder I’ve had such a seesaw life in that area.
I could only maintain the ‘take good care of myself” attitude for awhile before the “stop taking such good care of yourself” kicked in. I’d be gung-ho, shining like the sun, fit and firm, sleeping well, eating well, living joyfully, not over-eating or lazing around, and as all that self-care began creating something visible, tangible, and recognizable, not only to myself but to others, the will to take care of myself would recede and I would battle the bulge, as they say, and hang around in lethargy, overeating, depression and insomnia.
Unbeknownst to me, the old fear of “you’ll get stabbed in the back if you keep up this journey of love thyself” kicked in, and like a character in an old silent movie, I would helplessly watch myself undo the good I had done, watch myself acting like a zombie, unable to stop my gorging, lack of exercise, and feigned indifference until I plunged so low that the only way to go was the upward turn-around.
Proof of this old fear memory from an obviously ancient experience existed in the constant itching of that very spot on my back where my hand had slapped against. It even had a narrow discoloration. In retrospect, I can see it would itch whenever I was on the upswing of ‘Let’s do the I care about myself’ journey, but never on the downswing.
Why did I not figure this out in all the times I was watching the Zombie Me live its deplorable choices? The answer is twofold.
First, some months ago I had firmly decided that nothing was going to stop me anymore from overcoming any addictions that might keep me earthbound instead of rising in the Ascension Journey.
Second, over the last three days, I had reviewed the first six Grand Secrets of Spiritual Mysteries, as I sought to understand them so well that I could reduce them into a Recipe for Life.
The combination was the perfect impetus to cause me to pause in my old pattern of eating something I didn’t really love or want the effects of, and then track down the root of the pattern so I could once and for all be done with it.
It’s kind of fun, however, to think that all my gorging had been preventative! I probably saved my life by doing the very thing that my logic mind said would kill it.
Ahhh, the power of mind over matter!